What to do?

This is my life. This is my life in debt.

What with all the talk about the credit crunch and bankruptcy and Mutie in my ear about howmy student debt will keep me from ever being able to finance a house, ergo I will never have a home, ergo I will never get married, ergo I will never have children, ergo I will never be happy (you think I'm joking, this is PRECISELY her logic and it always has been-- remember, sweet but broken), I'm in a hell of a spot trying to make up my mind about how I'm going to spend the next three years of my life.

I've been accepted here at the University of Aberdeen for my doctorate, and I really really really want to stay. I love this city of granite and mist and roses, I adore the Centre, and I finally feel like I've got the right project at the right time with the right people advising me-- I feel like I might actually do something that will have an effect outside of my tiny corner of academia (worthwhile as I've always contended it is) and maybe help out the general human plight. That's heady stuff, ladles and gellyspoons. More on that later.

Anyways, I've had a hell of a time justifying driving my poor little self even further into debt. It's 9k british sterling to stay here, so roughly $18,000 a year for three years. Let's round that up and say $60,000 for the whole kit and caboodle. On top of the $45,000 I already have (I think that's right) that would bring the total up to a gut-wrenching $105,000.

Some of the other schools with programs going in what I'm interested in are Princeton, Yale, Emory and Columbia. Then there's the old favorites of the University of Chicago and Notre Dame, along with Dalhousie and Memorial. I've been checking these out, and here's the hard facts:

Princeton: $29,910 per annum
Yale: $26,800
Emory: $27,770
Columbia: $30,532

These are the schools doing work in my specific area. Just for the sake of argument, here are some more numbers:

University of Chicago: $31,680
Notre Dame: $28,970
Dalhousie: $15,452
Memorial: roughly $14,000
(and just for the hell of it) U of M: $27,124

The killer about most of these is that they're FIVE YEAR PROGRAMS. That isn't for a masters-and-doctorate degrees, that JUST for the Ph.D. I'm not 100% sure if that's the way it is at Yale and Emory yet, but I just got confimation of that for U of Chi., ND and U of M. So, even if I were to get considerable funding, it's likely to cost more for the degree over five years than the three years at Aberdeen. The two schools in Canada don't have programs in my area, but they do have a general catch-all called an Interdisciplinary Doctoral Program. What this basically seems to mean (as I'm gathering through correspondence with both schools) is that I'd be on my own, with support from two of three faculty members but without a department. What I'm woried about is how it will read on my CV when I do have a Ph.D.-- is it a bit like a Liberal Arts degree for an undergrad? I don't want to pay for a degree that nobody's going to respect.

As for as the continuing pursuit for funding here at Aberdeen, I can give you the list of peace and justice institutes that I've contacted if you'd like, but I think it might bore you, dear invisible reader. I've learned that the UN has funds for the third year, or "write up" of the doctoral candidacy, but nothing before that. Still, good to know. Even the Rotary in Jackson wrote back and said it sounded like a fine project but they only fund international business ventures. :( I've gotten a few helpful hints at other sources to check into, but these groups seem to be pretty stretched for cash all over at the moment. But so am I, so I keep looking.

With the job(s) that I have right now, I can cover my own room and board. Not a problem. It just all boils down to fees. I haven't heard anything about the ORSAS grant, the one that would pay the difference between International and UK fees, and The Guru seems to think that's not entirely a bad sign. Apparently they're pretty quick to reject you here and slow to hand out the acceptance letters. Either way, I'm feeling a bit shakey on that one.

I've been looking around to see what else I could do with the degree that I'm earning now, and if I were to come back to the States and teach at a Community College, it wouldn't be in what I've been sharpening my claws on-- there are merits and rewards to teaching remedial english to 20-somethings, but compared to what I COULD be doing, it all just seems to pale.

It's taken me a long time to feel confident enough to admit that, but I guess there's no disputing it anymore-- I really want to do something with my life, and I'm done questioning whether or not I'm good enough or intelligent enough to do it. So far as I can tell, the only thing holding me back is money.

To quote somewhat darkly from Shakespeare, "I am now steeped in blood so deep that would be as tedious to go back as to go o're," and I'm afraid it's true. Aberdeen seems to be the least expensive and most prestigeous of some very, very expensive options.

So... thoughts?